The Woes of A Dark Lord
by hpluvr4life
Summary: Voldemort, the Death Eaters, lemonpoppy seed muffins, and a chihuahua! Chapter 4 just now up!
1. A Chihuahua and Some Muffins

A/N- Thanx to Sabrina, Sapphyre Phoenix, peter-pan-equals-luv, Evadne, and Sarah Noble for the inspiration. The lemon-poppy seed muffins were thought up by Evadne, not me. Tim the UPS man was my own creation, though he was loosely based on Jim the UPS man, a creation of peter-pan-equals-luv. Please R&R. This is my first story so be nice, but I am welcome to constructive criticism, if you have any. Thanx. Enjoy. 

Voldemort's Surprise

Voldemort woke up that morning to a face that he knew all too well. It was Tim the

UPS man. He was holding a small box that was shaking fervently.

"What!" Voldemort yelled, "Oh. It's just you Tim. Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry Voldemort. I just have this special delivery for you. From a Miss Emma Noble. Sign here, initial here, write your birthday here, and check off which of these is your favorite celebrity here." Tim said. Voldemort filled out the paper and, still grumbling, and handed it to Tim.

"Looks good, Voldy! See ya soon," Tim said and he sat the package at the foot of the bed. As soon as Tim was gone, Voldemort tore open the package, hoping it was the life-sized Harry Potter punching bag that he had ordered a few days ago. When he pulled the flaps apart, a little tan four-legged creature jumped out and started licking him. Voldemort screamed as high and loud as humanly possible and Lucius came bursting into the room, still in his Dora the Explorer pajamas, and screamed too. But Lucius's scream was one of joy.

"Oh! My! God! Is that a Chihuahua? I've always wanted one of those," Lucius shrieked and picked the wriggling monster up.

Voldemort still looked like he was shaking pretty badly. I guess Dark Lords don't like dogs. Lucius took the dog into his room and when he came back Voldemort was half-hiding behind the bed, wand in hand. Lucius suppressed a giggle when he saw the large wet spot in the bed. The dog, now yipping happily, was dressed in a pink tutu and had a blue rhinestone collar on.

"What is that monstorosity you call a ki-wa-wa? And why is it in a tutu?" Voldemort asked, inspecting the dog from 5 or 6 feet away. He looked really disgusted.

"It's a chi-wa-wa. And this is the only outfit that I could find," Lucius said, petting it, "And it's a dog. In fact, it is the sweetest, cutest, little dog in the whole entire world! I've named it Precious," Lucius said, still smiling. He nuzzled the dog.

"Okay. No. No. No. If this…thing…is to live here, it will live under my rules. It will not wear a tutu, it will not have rhinestones on its collar, and it will never be named Precious," Voldemort stated, giving Lucius an evil glare.

Lucius thought for a minute. "I'll play you for it. Hopscotch. Let's go. Right now."

"All right. Come on, loser," Voldemort said. They were almost out of the door when Voldemort stopped. Lucius asked why.

"I have to go change my underwear," he replied.

Lucius went outside and waved his wand and there appeared a 50 square hopscotch pattern. There were loops and gorges. Lucius and Voldemort both knew that this would probably be the best game of hopscotch they would ever play. They played for hours on end and finally, though a double-scotch-planter-flip-tuck-jump, Lucius made it to the end. He screamed and pick up the dog, now to be named Precious.

Voldemort groaned. He took out a big inflatable bat and hit himself repeatedly in the head with it. Just then, he saw some odd girl walking towards him. She had a clipboard, a huge bag and was wearing a black suit. Voldemort left Lucius cooing over the new puppy and ran inside. The woman walked up to Lucius and was making hand gestures and talking, and although Voldemort didn't know what she was

saying, he was pretty sure she wasn't selling girl scout cookies. She walked away from Lucius and rang the doorbell. Wormtail answered and the woman asked "Is there a Mr. Riddle he..", but she didn't finish because Wormtail clasped his hand over her and told her all about the name situation. She nodded her head and repeated the question, "Is there a Mr. Lord Voldemort here?" Voldemort walked down the stairs. By now, all of the Death Eaters had gathered around Voldemort and the girl, named Mindy, according to her nametag. Mindy shook out her hand, shook hands with Lord Voldemort, and pulled a box of red, spotted things that Voldemort was pretty sure were called strawberries. She walked forward and rubbed the strawberry juice all over his best robes. Everyone gasped. Lucius fainted. Voldemort reached for his wand since now, she was smearing blueberries on his robes too. She held his arm back and said," When you get stains, what do you do? Now you can do the right thing! From the makers of 'Tide' comes 'Poof!'. Just rub on some of the powder, get it wet, and poof! the stain is gone!" She followed the steps that she had mentioned and when they looked at the robe, they all still saw the stains.

"I don't understand. Poof! And the stain is…." Mindy didn't get to finish her sentence because a fuming Lord Voldemort had just turned her into an owl.

"Bad news, my robe is dirty. Good news, we have a new owl for our post," Voldemort said, looking quite pleased with himself. Mindy the Owl was fluttering about, looking a bit confused.

Snape turned to the Dark Lord and said, "I'll take that to the dry cleaners tomorrow."

Voldemort was digging through his closet, trying to find something to wear. He was very frustrated since Snape had to take his favorite robe to the dry-cleaners. He stared at everything and finally picked out a black, long, cotton robe. It had his name embroidered in the corner in bubble gum pink thread. Not the most manly of all of his apparel, but it would work for today, or at least until Snape got back. He then reached his hand into the back of the closet, trying to grab his favorite slippers when he felt a box-shaped object. He closed his hand on it and pulled it out.

"WORMTAIL!" he yelled after taking one look at the dust covered brown mahogany chest. Lucius popped into the room and, mouth full of lemon-poppy seed muffin, and told Voldemort that Wormtail had taken Precious out for a walk. Voldemort muttered curses to himself. He hated that dog. It was yippy and weird and he was still mad that Lucius had won their game of hopscotch and, therefore, got to name the four-legged disaster.

"Whaddya need?" Lucius asked.

"Well, I just found this box and, last time I opened a box, I was nearly frightened to death. I was, uh, gonna get him to open it for me," Voldemort replied.

"I can do that. Here," and Lucius opened the box. Nothing jumped out, so when the dust cleared, Voldemort returned to the end of his bed with Lucius.

"It looks like a memory box," Lucius remarked, still looking puzzled. They took out all the things that were in the chest and laid them out on the bed. Voldemort picked up what looked like part of a bar from a crib, and tears welled in his eyes.

"This was from the night that I tried to kill Harry," Voldemort explained, still sniffling.

"This is a part of Ginny's robe from Harry's 2nd year at Hogwarts," Voldemort murmured, feeling the fabric. "Wow, that is really soft. I should call her up and ask her what kind of robe that is."

Voldemort pointed to an object that looked remarkably like Lucius's diary, erm, journal.

"Harry's diary! I had Ginny get it while she was getting my diary. Good, huh?" Voldemort finished his sentence and gave Lucius a high five. Anybody who passed by the room that afternoon would have heard stifled giggles, followed by loud roars of laughter. You could also hear very bad impressions of Harry saying stuff.

"Dumbledore is so nice to help me!"

"My scar hurts a lot today. I'm so unhappy."

"I luv Hermione."

"I had a bad dream last night. I'm scared."

The impressions were normally followed by more outbursts of laughter and what sounded like people taking a swig of firewhisky. Finally, the laughter stopped and Lucius stumbled out of the room and retreated to his own. He pulled out his diary and doodled.


	2. The New Girl

**A/N- I'm in the middle of redoing all my chappies to make them longer. Thats a funny word, chappies. hahahahahahahahahaha. ok now its just wierd and im just ranting. so... chappies.hehe**

The New Girl

Bellatrix chomped down on her first bite of bagel when she heard the door open. She figured it was probably Wormtail coming back from getting the morning newspaper. She was wrong. A girl who looked about 14 walked in, loudly smacking her gum. She had long smooth curled brown hair that fell down her back, deep brown eyes, and was wearing an orange shirt that had a picture of a skull of a queen and said, "Long Live The Queen." Bella nearly fainted. You would too, I guess, if some unfamiliar person barged into your house.

The girl turned to her and said, "Hey Bellatrix! Whats up? Sorry I'm a bit late. Where's Lord Whats-his-name?"

Bella sat there, mouth open, dumbstruck. Then, Lucius came in and gave the new girl a high five.

"Hey chica! Voldemort's room is upstairs, third door on the left," Lucius told her.

"Thanks!"

Lucius took on the task of reviving Bellatrix and when she stopped staring into darkness, he proceeded to tell her who the strange girl was. Meanwhile, the aforementioned strange girl proceeded to go upstairs and barge in on Voldemort, who was still sleeping. She woke him up with a quick slap on the back. He grumbled and opened his eyes. There was a loud scream. You can't blame him, it was the second time that week that he'd been woken up to have a face staring at him. After Voldemort had gotten out of bed and put his robes on, he went back to the girl, who was sitting on the end of his bed smiling. Just smiling. It creeped him out a bit. And Dark Lords are not usually creeped out very easily.

"So….. who are you?" Voldemort said hesitantly.

"My name's Emma. " she said, and shook Voldemort's hand. She waited as if Voldemort was going to realize she was his long-lost daughter. "Oh, come on. You don't remember me? Emma. Emma Casey…"

Voldemort stood there and tilted his head to each side, trying to remember where he'd heard that name before. Suddenly, he remembered. He let out a scream.

"So you do remember!" Emma yelled.

Voldemort sighed and said, "Go downstairs. Sit at the kitchen table. Don't touch anything. Don't talk to anyone. Pretend you are invisible. When everyone wakes up, we will have a meeting to decide when we will kick you out. Go." And he shooed her away.

When Voldemort came downstairs that morning, Emma was sitting in the living room, talking to Lucius and Snape, and playing with everything she could get her hands on. She acknowledged his presence and then went right back to what she was doing. Voldemort called the meeting and they all went into the big important evil planning room, also known as the basement.

"We have been presented with a problem in the form of a 14-year old girl that I, unfortunately, know very well. What are we going to do? I vote we kick her little ass out on the curb."

Wormtail nodded in agreement, of course. The other Death Eaters looked at each other, then Lucius stood up to speak.

"We are all in agreement that we like Emma. We vote to keep her," Lucius finished and sat down.

"And you all want this?" Voldemort said, looking skeptical. They all nodded. Voldemort opened the door and let Emma in. He may be a dark lord, but he did believe in a democracy. He was overpowered.

"Well, you win. You can stay. We'll put a bed in Bellatrix's room and…." He stopped. Both Bellatrix and Emma were giving him the dirty look. They looked like they were killer rabbits ready to attack. "I mean, we'll have MacNair transform the old coat closet into a master suite for Emma's room." MacNair gave Voldemort a dirty look. "Oh, fine. I'll do it." Voldemort groaned.

He went upstairs.


	3. Of Pools and Inflatable Sharks

A/N- When I get 25 reviews, I will post the next chapter. If you are the 20th reviewer, you will get to see the chapter in advance. Please R&R! Thanks to Helen, for giving me my summer residence where I can swim endlessly. This is a short chapter, but the next one will be hilarious, I guerantee (is that how you spell guerantee?)

Pools and Inflatable Sharks

Voldemort woke up that morning to the sound of a jackhammer. He looked out the window to see a bunch of construction workers making a big hole in his backyard. He raced outside and saw **her** directing them. He ran over and politely asked her what the hell she was doing to his backyard. She responded with a smile and a wink and he ran back inside to take an Advil. He met up with Bellatrix on the way and she stopped him.

"Isn't it great! We're gonna have a pool! I had my doubts about her at first but Emma is so cool! I'm glad we let her stay," Bella explained. She gave him a smile and a wink and ran off. He almost fainted. There wasn't much he could do now. Emma had claimed almost all of his crew. He walked upstairs very solemnly and called to Wormtail to massage his feet. He woke up to silence. ''Was it all just a dream?'' he thought. He looked out the window and saw, where the big hole used to be, a big hole filled with water, glinting in the sunlight.

"Cool," he murmured, "No, it can't be cool. She did it. No." He saw Bellatrix jump in wearing a tight bikini. Emma followed. He saw them splash each other for a while and then, he saw a big shark floating towards them. They didn't notice they were about to get eaten! Voldemort ran downstairs and outside. He jumped in the cold water and realized he didn't know how to swim. He started sinking, but before he completely submerged underwater, he cast a spell that killed the shark. Technically, all it did was let out all the air of the **inflatable** shark, but Voldemort still thought he'd saved them. Next thing he knew, someone was pulling him out of the water. He took a deep breath and realized it was Emma. She was carrying him with his head out of the water and propped up on a big red floating thing. She lifted him out of the water and set him down on a soft towel. She compressed his chest. He coughed.

"Is he okay?" Bella asked.

"I think so. He has a pulse," Emma answered.

"How did you know what to do?" Bella wondered.

"I'm a certified lifeguard. Took a class at the Y," Emma responded, "In fact, I think I'll take Voldemort there so he can have a swimming class. I'm good friends with Abby, the instructor of the ''Mommy and Me'' class. I'll call her up."

Voldemort sat up. He stood and walked inside, aided by Wormtail. He laid down on the couch. The next morning, he woke up. Nothing was happening. It was frightening. He could see most of the Death Eaters sitting at the breakfast table eating. Emma came down and said, "All right. We'll need to leave in about an hour since we still have to get you a swimsuit for your Mommy and Me class. An hour later, they drove off, with Voldemort's face pressed against the glass like a puppy that knows he's going to the vet. He had a bad feeling about this.


	4. Mommy and Me

**Mommy and Me**

The car pulled to a stop in front of a large concrete building with the letters "YMCA" imprinted on the side in bright colors. Voldie tried to open the car door but failed and started screaming and hexing everywhere. Emma opened the door with ease and whispered "child lock." Voldemort shivered. He knew this was a bad idea, a very **very** bad idea.

"Come on! We're gonna be late. You spent enough time picking out a swimsuit as it is!" Emma said, grabbing his hand and dragging him to the door.

Voldemort smiled at the memory of the Sports Academy employees chasing a bikini down the aisle. Suddenly, he was pulled back to reality when they entered the building and Voldemort recoiled at the sight of the men and women with arms as big as dinner plates and legs that were drenched with sweat. Emma, on the other hand, waved at everyone passing, and seemed to know all the stupid people's names.

"Hey Clarice, looking good! Bobby, nice! Dina, don't even think about going to the donut shop across the street when you're done!"

"This sucks. I hate it. Let's go home," Voldemort grumbled.

Emma turned around and gave him a look that would kill a puppy. He shut up. They arrived at the pool and Voldemort winced when Emma recognized her friend, Abby the Instructor, and gave out an ear-splitting scream. The girls then proceeded to hug, jump around and screech some more. Emma grabbed Voldemort's arm and flung him into the pool, jumping in herself only seconds later. Or should I say, jumping in on top of him a few seconds later. All of the students lined up at the edge of the pool. Excluding Voldie, the oldest of them might've been 3 or 4. With Voldie, the oldest was about 300 something years old.

"All right kiddos! I want all mommies to stand on the yellow line and I want all kiddies to start at the edge of the pool and swim to mommy." Abby said, in tones that implied she was going to swim to "mommy" too.

Voldemort **walked** to "mommy." He was a grown man and his feet reached the bottom of the shallow end. Why swim when you can walk?

"I see we're gonna have to move Voldie and Em to the deep end of the pool. Em, you can take this noodle and sit on it. Voldiekins, swim to Emma!" Abby said.

Voldemort got out of the pool and walked to the deep end, where he jumped in. Suddenly, he realized he couldn't touch the bottom. He kicked his legs and arms in fear when he realized that he was moving! He kept kicking and moving, and finally reached Emma. All of the kicking made him very tired and he started to slip down when he realized he could stand. He stood up and marveled at the wonders this simple muggle "pool" held. It could change depth in just a second!

A simple "wow" escaped Voldemort's lips. This was big, since Dark Lords aren't easily impressed.

Voldemort went back to classes week after week, and developed a growing hate for Abby and Emma, but a certain fondness for the breaststroke.

Voldie graduated from the classes with full credits and was so happy to not have to take them again, he burned his swim trunks.


End file.
